we are 8 sitting around the dinner table. K has prepared a fine 4-course meal despite being moments from bancruptcy. If I were AA Gill I would describe the dinner in flowery, clever prose referrencing 'the way things are'. Except that I am not that clever, and anyway, my Blonde did not attend, jumping off the bike halfway to the party, furious with the bumpy roads and a migraine.
A funny story, funny because it's true:
Cuba. K, B, M & J are travelling through some of the most beautiful countryside on earth, but K and M have gastric flu. K and M spend several nights taking turns to commune with God via the big white telephone - it's coming out both ends. Soon the hotel room is uninhabitable, and supplies of toilet paper are running low. They decide to go to a smart hotel in order to clean up and feel human again. Once libations have been concluded, everyone freshened up, clean and nice it's back in the car for a leisurely drive. As they leave the driveway which has just been freshly mopped by a Cuban standing to the side with his bucket, M shouts: 'stop the car!', opens the door and projectile vomits accross the forecourt.
I guess it's funnier when they tell it.
another story:
a young lady, charming despite a tendancy to speak loudly and without thinking, is walking down the street when she realises that there is a hole in her trousers. turning to her friend she announces: OH MY GOD, I HAVE A HUGE HOLE!
turning around she faces a man who's mouth is gaping and doesn't know where to look.
'...in my trousers...' the correction does nothing to alleviate embarrassment.
the Blonde and I have been in the Carribbean for 2 weeks. Being back at work sucks. the holiday was nice. maybe I'll post some pictures soon...?
Friday, October 28, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Alcofrolics Anonymous
When will we ever learn? At the time it always seems like a great idea. Something to lift the spirits, to really get the party started.
Then, half an hour later, you're up against the wall and the police are threatening to haul you off down the station. And somewhere in your muddled mind is the knowledge that none of this would have happened without Tequila.
four hours in the pub put us in an unusually gregarious mood, and when we got to Liam's flat someone thought it would be terrifically funny to climb up to his balcony on the 2nd floor and surprise him when he had caught up to us. Unfortunately the woman on the first floor did not think it was funny at all, and the plan was swiftly abandoned. Now we were bored, waiting for Liam to turn up. Luckily I had a pen in my pocket and the wall of the alleyway had been freshly painted, so the next minute or so was spent happily defacing our blank canvas. Alex had made only a couple of cursory marks on the wall when I spied a brace of police officers coming down the alleyway; and from the other side too - we were caught in a classic pincer manouvre by the Metropolitan police! Outnumbered and outflanked, we surrendered ourselves to our fate. Poor old Alex, who was really the most innocent of us but had been seen with the pen in his hand, was cuffed and led off, presumably to spend the night in the cells. Meanwhile, M and I were arguing with the cops, protesting our innocence; well there was reason for us all to go to jail...
Although one of the policemen pointed out to the mean-bitch policewoman that the ink on the wall wasn't even permanent and would wipe off easily, she wasn't having any of it and insisted on taking Alex in. They could have just made us wipe the wall down, but they didn't, so now the ink is dry and the wall graffitied. We were then given an ASDO - like an ASBO but less chav. This is a dispersal order: the mean cop then showed us a map:
Mean-bitch-cop: "you have to leave this area within 15 minutes"
Me: "But... our friend..... fnarrgggrrhhhh......."
MBC: " Leave the area now"
Me: "When can we come back?
MBC: "in 24 hours"
Me: "but I have to be at work in nine hours, around the corner"
MBC: "Oh"
Then we see the angry scared neighbor coming out to identify us, so we make our excuses and leave, cursing to Po-lice, damn 5-0 etc.
2 minutes later we turned around and went back to liam's flat where he had sneaked in during all the commotion, and recommenced drinking, all the while cursing the cops, the world, the neighbor, but never ourselves.
Waking up this morning was mildly unpleasant, but i must confess a mild thrill at breaking the law just by sitting at my desk.
Am I proud of being an anti-social, drunken, noisy lout?
No.
Then, half an hour later, you're up against the wall and the police are threatening to haul you off down the station. And somewhere in your muddled mind is the knowledge that none of this would have happened without Tequila.
four hours in the pub put us in an unusually gregarious mood, and when we got to Liam's flat someone thought it would be terrifically funny to climb up to his balcony on the 2nd floor and surprise him when he had caught up to us. Unfortunately the woman on the first floor did not think it was funny at all, and the plan was swiftly abandoned. Now we were bored, waiting for Liam to turn up. Luckily I had a pen in my pocket and the wall of the alleyway had been freshly painted, so the next minute or so was spent happily defacing our blank canvas. Alex had made only a couple of cursory marks on the wall when I spied a brace of police officers coming down the alleyway; and from the other side too - we were caught in a classic pincer manouvre by the Metropolitan police! Outnumbered and outflanked, we surrendered ourselves to our fate. Poor old Alex, who was really the most innocent of us but had been seen with the pen in his hand, was cuffed and led off, presumably to spend the night in the cells. Meanwhile, M and I were arguing with the cops, protesting our innocence; well there was reason for us all to go to jail...
Although one of the policemen pointed out to the mean-bitch policewoman that the ink on the wall wasn't even permanent and would wipe off easily, she wasn't having any of it and insisted on taking Alex in. They could have just made us wipe the wall down, but they didn't, so now the ink is dry and the wall graffitied. We were then given an ASDO - like an ASBO but less chav. This is a dispersal order: the mean cop then showed us a map:
Mean-bitch-cop: "you have to leave this area within 15 minutes"
Me: "But... our friend..... fnarrgggrrhhhh......."
MBC: " Leave the area now"
Me: "When can we come back?
MBC: "in 24 hours"
Me: "but I have to be at work in nine hours, around the corner"
MBC: "Oh"
Then we see the angry scared neighbor coming out to identify us, so we make our excuses and leave, cursing to Po-lice, damn 5-0 etc.
2 minutes later we turned around and went back to liam's flat where he had sneaked in during all the commotion, and recommenced drinking, all the while cursing the cops, the world, the neighbor, but never ourselves.
Waking up this morning was mildly unpleasant, but i must confess a mild thrill at breaking the law just by sitting at my desk.
Am I proud of being an anti-social, drunken, noisy lout?
No.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
nuts in a Vice
Years ago, Vice magazine used to be funny, before we realised that Gavin McInnes a neo-con hate-monger with facisistic tendancies. If the writing was idiotic, it wouldn't be scary, but the skillful mixing of pinches of truth and barrels of fiction becomes a worry when you realise that people actually believe this shit.
Hey Gav, you know, another thing the working-class-tough-as-nails-nose-to-the-grindstone-war-vet population didn't put up with was pompous, self-congratulating posturing, posing as clever, relevant and insightful journalism.
Here's a great idea, America - kick out all 11 million illegal immigrants who do all of the menial jobs in the country , watch as the garbage piles up, nothing gets delivered and nothing gets cleaned. Wait for the social-security fattened La-Z-Boy, bone-fide Americans to stand up and do an honest day's work, and.... wait, and wait...
Meanwhile, by 'cutting loose' a third of the world's population, you'll have no food and nothing to wear without all those facories and sweatshops.
As for your education system, it's always sucked. Apart from the top 2 or 3 Ivy League colleges, the US education system has always been laughable. Engineering in the 70's was great? Yeah, right, look at your cars.
Hey Gav, you know, another thing the working-class-tough-as-nails-nose-to-the-grindstone-war-vet population didn't put up with was pompous, self-congratulating posturing, posing as clever, relevant and insightful journalism.
Here's a great idea, America - kick out all 11 million illegal immigrants who do all of the menial jobs in the country , watch as the garbage piles up, nothing gets delivered and nothing gets cleaned. Wait for the social-security fattened La-Z-Boy, bone-fide Americans to stand up and do an honest day's work, and.... wait, and wait...
Meanwhile, by 'cutting loose' a third of the world's population, you'll have no food and nothing to wear without all those facories and sweatshops.
As for your education system, it's always sucked. Apart from the top 2 or 3 Ivy League colleges, the US education system has always been laughable. Engineering in the 70's was great? Yeah, right, look at your cars.
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